TO-JAM — "We Write The Jingles" (2008)
A parody of "I Write The Songs" by Barry Manilow
Performed by Tony Mason & Quiet Talking James
Submitted to the Dave, Shelley & Chainsaw Show (DSC), San Diego


[Choir]: DSC!!!

--- VERSE 1 ---

TONY:     I've sent in crap forever
             * Tony was a high frequency contributor to the DSC show,
               sending in jingles on a regular basis *
             (James, ad lib: "Nah, you're great")

TONY:     And I won the very first prize
             * Tony won the very first DSC jingle contest in 1996
               with "Ode To Boyer" *
             (James, ad lib: "You the man")
             (Tony, ad lib: "Thank you, James!")

JAMES:    I did Sinatra and the Asner
             * James won one year with his Sinatra parody/homage
               to "Nice And Easy Does It" *
             (Tony, ad lib: "Sing it, my brother")

BOTH:     We are the jingle writing guys

--- CHORUS ---

BOTH:     We write the jingles here on DSC

BOTH:     We always trash Bromo and Emily
             * Bromo was the show's punching bag and target of many
               jingles and bits. Emily was the show's producer, and
               also a frequent jingle subject *
             (Tony, ad lib: "Don't forget Boyer")
             * A very large percentage of Tony's jingles surrounded
               Boyer, another of the show's punching bags (and main
               bag, after Bromo was fired) *

BOTH:     We write the songs that make the ASNR's fly
             * ASNR: Acute Spontaneous Nasal Reflux. The result of
               taking a drink before a joke, and spitting it out
               your nose *
             (Tony, annoyed: "You gotta have Boyer in there")
             * Tony again referencing his desire that Boyer needs
               to be in the jingle by default *

JAMES:    Tony Mason needs to die
             * James had submitted a "Mason Must Die" jingle set to
               Rick Springfield's "Jesse's Girl," which led to this
               collaboration. Tony, realizing he was about to lose,
               came up with the idea of recruiting his rival *
             (Tony: "Hey, what the hell?")
             (James: "Bring it, punk")
             (Tony: "Alright, alright, here we go...")

--- VERSE 2: THE DIS TRACK ---

TONY:     I can keep it under eight minutes
             * James had submitted a long, rambling 8+ minute jingle
               in a previous contest which was called out by the show
               as ridiculous *

JAMES:    But I sing much better than you
             * James was indeed the superior singer with his deep
               baritone *
             (Tony: "Okay")

TONY:     Look, buddy, I've won two contests now  *click*
             * MNOC: Mouth Noise Of Confidence. A clicking sound done
               when you are highly confident *

JAMES:    It just means I am overdue
             (Tony: "Oh, piss off.")
             (James: "Bite me, you hack.")

--- CHORUS 2: KNIVES OUT ---

TONY:     My songs get played on the air every day
             * Tony is humblebragging here *

JAMES:    Your songs all suck, they just say "Bromo is gay"
             * Tony had a number of jingles questioning Bromo's
               sexuality, which was a frequent recurring joke/bit *

TONY:     Screw you, you baritone monstrosity
             * James was famed for calling into the show with his
               deep, calming voice. He was given the moniker "Quiet
               Talking James" at some point and it stuck *

JAMES:    You wish that you were cool as me
             (Tony: "Oh, that's it!")

             [General chaos — rumbling noises]
             (James: "Hey, hey!")
             (Tony: "Get off me!")
             (James: "No biting! No biting!")
             [Sounds of equipment falling over]

             [440Hz Test Tone]


---
Lyrics transcribed by Kit (Tomoko Kitoki) — April 11, 2026
Vocals isolated with Demucs, transcribed with OpenAI Whisper
Corrected and annotated by Tony Mason