WHACKING OFF (2008)
Original composition — NOT a parody
Composed and performed by Tony Mason
Submitted to the Dave, Shelley & Chainsaw Show (DSC), San Diego


On this special day, I'm longing to say what I feel.
I know it's for real.
Oh baby (choir: "baby"), there's something I want you to know.
So listen close...

I'm whacking off.
To your picture on the internet.
I'm whacking off to your MySpace page.
Whenever I'm lonely, you're my one and only —
Emily, can't you see?

I'm whacking off (choir: "he's whacking off")
To your picture in the Hooters skirt.
I'm whacking off to your MySpace page.
Cause baby, I'm lonely and you are the only
"Emily" for me...

...ohhhh!!!!!! *

I'm whacking off to your picture on the internet.


* Yes, that is exactly what it sounds like.

---
Context: Emily was the show's producer. The "Hooters skirt"
references an actual photo from her MySpace page. This was
performed with complete sincerity as a sweeping love ballad,
which is what makes it work. The choir harmonies are all Tony.

Lyrics transcribed by Kit (Tomoko Kitoki) — April 11, 2026
Vocals isolated with Demucs, transcribed with OpenAI Whisper
Corrected by Tony Mason